I would like to grade papers, but my brain won’t focus
I would like all of this to stop.
Now.
And what could I say that I haven’t already said over and over again? My problem is that I allow myself too much time to think about it.
There are times at which I absolutely CANNOT WAIT ANOTHER SECOND for things to be different. I am so impatient for change that it becomes painful.
And then there are other things that I hold on to with a vice grip. I strangle them.
It is so very easy for people to say that God has a plan — a wonderful, beautiful story for my life. But when I feel THIS way, those kinds of statements seem like great ironies. Like, HA! Joke’s on YOU! And to avoid feeling like a pit of deep, pathetic dispair, I bury my heartache under the sleeves of my skin and the soles of my feet, where I can only feel it if I move a little too quickly. And MAN, when that happens, it hurts — does it EVER. So I end up moving v-e-r–y s-l-o–w-l-y and people mistake that for an extreme lack of motivation.
Listen, people, listen.
I WANT to feel joy in others’ joy. I want to be truly selfless, to feel empathy and genuine compassion. Sincerely, sincerely. Why can’t I do it?? Why can’t I take myself apart, pull the stitches away from my little heart muscle and just find where that REAL love is? The unconditional stuff? It’s gotta be there, right? So where is it?
Practice?
Oh, somebody help me.
